The Handfelt Happy Hour is, for the most part befitting of it's name, a pretty happy place. From sun-soaked vacations in the Dominican to booze infused nights on the town, our readers perhaps erroneously think that we're "living the dream", much like a young Jonathan Lipnicki. Alas, there is a dark side to HHH, one that is kept in the shadows and only spoken of in hushed tones and even then so, in Pig Latin. That's right, for as much as there is to love about Chicago (best city in the world, woot woot!), it's not all lamb shanks and man scarves. Let's take a look at some of the more overrated aspects of big city life in this exclusive HHH expose.Public Transportation
This one is both a blessing and a curse. We haven't owned a car in over 3 years. Shocking as that may seem to anyone that doesn't live in either Chicago or New York, there really isn't a need for one when you live in the city. Not having a car payment is great, don't get me wrong. I couldn't even tell you within 50 cents what gas prices are right now. The downside is, that public transportation, while a lovely idea in theory, is a contemptuous and lazy lover, teeming with disease and prone to wild mood swings. Taking a train or a bus is a way of life here, but sometimes, as you stand on a crowded bus in traffic, wedged between a morbidly obese woman eating buffalo wings (no joke) and a European tourist with an aversion to deodorant, you pine for the good old days of being stuck in traffic in the comfort of your own car. That way at least, you won't run the risk of the guy sitting across the aisle sketching a picture of you next to a giant penis.**
Restaurants
Over the past few years, our taste palettes have expanded, as have our waistlines. Sampling everything from onion rings to maki rolls is a bit of a hobby here at HHH, in case you hadn't noticed. Take it from my gut, there is no better place to sample a myriad of cuisines than the Windy City. Chicago is home to some of the best restaurants in the world. Alas, these places I'm about to list aren't among them. For as often as we photograph our food and rave about some life changing meal, the road to get there is littered with mediocrity and lingering tummyaches. I am a far more forgiving critic than Katy, who judges things based on a love/hate scale that would make Gordon Ramsay blush. That said, these places received the dreaded Katy critique, "Ew, I decided I hated that place."
Wishbone Restaurant: A favorite soul food haunt of Oprah. Oprah must like frozen soul food.
Southport Grocery: Overrated 'cute' brunch spot. I asked for potatoes with my omelet and they told me that they were out of potatoes and the only available side dish left was salad. Salad! For breakfast! Get out of my life.
Cafe Ba Ba Reeba: I know a lot of people love this place, but the time we went there the service was terrible, the sangria tasted like Crystal Light and the tapas were underwhelming. Yet people rave. Maybe it was just an off night. Too bad Katy already gave it the scarlet letter.
Lucky Strike Lanes: Trendy bowling alley/sports bar also doubles as the bain of my existence. Not once, but twice have I waited over 20 minutes just to get a friggin menu from this abomination. When we told our waitress it had been 20 minutes she just said 'oh', and walked off...and still didn't bring us a menu! Gutter ball.
Bongo Room: Another highly touted brunch place, where you wait upwards of an hour just for breakfast. We finally went on a weekday and came away wondering if we'd wait 5 minutes, much less an hour the next time. Blah.
Charlie's Ale House: The only sports bar in our neighborhood and it sucks. How hard is it to make a decent burger? Charlie, you're out of your element.
Opera: Fancy and overpriced Chinese food. Not bad, but hard to rationalize paying over $20 for Kung Pao beef that isn't any better than the $8 stuff that we get delivered, even if it was plated on something nicer than styrofoam.
Blue Agave: Inexplicably popular Mexican joint located in the heart of the Viagra Triangle downtown. Popular with the late night crowd, whose standards have likely been diluted by their insanely strong Margaritas.
Cost of Living
$5 bottles of beer. One bedroom apartments that cost more than 4 late model Lamborghinis. Cab fares that give the middle finger to the struggling economy. Fees on top of other fees. Chicago is the Ebenezer Scrooge (pre-ghost visits) of American cities.
Weather
I refer of course to the brutal and unforgiving winters. Sure, it's the same for most midwesterners, but try it without a car. Walking 10 minutes to the bus in the snow and ice and then having 2 buses go past you because they're too full...meanwhile you can't feel any of your extremities and you begin to think there's a good chance you might have actually died? Yep, I'm already the grandpa who yells, "In my day, I walked 2 miles in the snow. Uphill!"
Litter
C'mon people, pick up your shit! A lot of people rave about how clean Chicago is for a big city. Those people clearly haven't left the comfort of Michigan Avenue and the Magnificent Mile. The amount of litter on the ground in the neighborhoods ('real Chicago') is just gross. Ours included.
Time Travel
There aren't enough hours in the day to get things done, especially during the week. Everything is a constant rush. I hate having to rush. I also despise the band Rush. Conversely, even though I hate when time flies, I do enjoy a good time travel yarn (Back to the Future, Lost), but that's neither here nor there.
The Crippling Inability to Meet Friends
People here are nice enough I suppose, but everyone just goes about their business with their heads down, avoiding human contact at all costs. We've lived here for 5 or 6 years now and have never gotten acquainted with any of our neighbors. Not a one. It probably doesn't help that both Katy and I are both pretty shy, and in a big city, the meek are devoured by the douchey. We're really fun once you get to know us, as evidenced by this sweet blog.
**This really did happen to Katy.
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