Quick and Dirty Oscar Predictions

$500 in spoils are at stake for the winner of our Oscar pool at work, so I've got a vested interest in tonight's festivities. That said, take my recommendations and get on the horn with your bookie, post haste. Lets get to the action:

Best Actor

I'm torn between Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn. The Wrestler was my favorite movie of the year, but Mickey Blue Eyes is a bit of an eccentric a-hole in real life who has more enemies than friends (unless you count small dogs). Plus, I just saw 'Milk' yesterday and Penn was phenomenal. None-the-less, I think the Oscar voters love a good comeback story, and Penn already has one of those golden phallic symbols for his work in 'Mystic River'.

Winner: Mickey Rourke

Best Actress

Winslet vs. Streep. I haven't seen The Reader, but Winslet is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars and her time has come. 6 nominations, no wins. This win was foreshadowed when she appeared on the show 'Extras' and her character lamented that she needed to appear in a Holocaust movie in order to get an Oscar. Well, here you go. Plus the Academy voters are mostly old men and she gets naked a lot (you'll notice a theme here).

Winner: Kate Winslet

Best Supporting Actor

This is a no-brainer. Heath Ledger all the way, even though he didn't get naked. Although no joke, I think he was nude when he died. Too soon?

Winner: Heath Ledger

Best Supporting Actress

Penelope Cruz vs. Viola Davis. Penelope Cruz plays an exotic, untamed object of lust and desire in 'Vicki Cristina Barcelona'. In other words, the unfulfilled fantasy of every Oscar voter. No nudity, but close enough.

Winner: Penelope Cruz, 'Vicki Cristina Barcelona'

Best Director

Danny Boyle is one of the nicest men I've ever met in my life. If pressed, he would probably tell you that I was his BFF. And by pressed, I mean tortured like the protagonist of Slumdog at the beginning of the film. Bread pudding and English tea all around.

Winner: Danny Boyle, 'Slumdog Millionaire'

Best Picture

Ben Button was ok, but soulless. The Reader is too grim, although there is a lot of arty nudity, so it stands a chance. Frost/Nixon has mustered about as much enthusiasm as a root canal. Milk is good, but is it the best beverage of the year? I don't think so. Slumdog Millionaire will add to it's awards cache and inspire millions to finally try that hole-in-the-wall Indian buffet down the street that they've been eyeing with a mixture of curiosity and fear.

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Other Stuff

Do we really care? Wall E will win best Animated Feature. Benny Button will take a home a lot of the visual effects/makeup awards, because that was really the only thing it had going for it. The Academy will throw The Dark Knight a bone with some boring sound mixing awards that no one cares about. Slumdog and Milk will split the screenplay awards. 'Jai Ho' will win best song, although it's a travesty that Springsteen wasn't nominated for 'The Wrestler'. The show will run a half hour late and afterwards you will proclaim that it 'sucked' and was 'overrated'. Academy voters will feel the same way...it could have used more nudity.